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. different... and I want you to hear me out."I wasn't at all sure what this was about, but I could see that he was struggling with something he didn't quite want to say, so I put on a brave face and tried to smile to make him feel more comfortable. I wasn't sure if that was the right thing, but it was something.He continued, "I know you like it when I take control... and I love it too. So I want to try something."He paused, closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then blurted it out, "I want the first thing you wake up to in the morning to be me having my way with you."He let that sentence hang in the air. I blinked. Looking back, I didn't understand the true magnitude of what he was saying. He had woken me up more than once before and started our day off with orgasms for two, so I replied, "Sure, honey, that sounds like fun."He shook his head, "No, I mean every day. I want you to wake up however I want, whenever I want. I want you to trust me that I want what you want, and I want. I brushed her off by telling her I wasn’t sad but I was merely tired from a hard day at work. Telling the girls that I’m going to therapy, and explaining the reasons why, is not a conversation I want to have right now. Maybe, when they’re older, I’ll be able to tell them about it.Bec didn’t challenge my response but I don’t think she believed it. Sometimes Bec can see straight through me and that can be unnerving – she’s six years old, for heaven’s sake. Seconds later she was sitting in my lap and hugging me. Immediately I felt the panic start to surge through me. I lifted her off me and set her down on the floor beside me, giving her the old lie about how she’s too heavy to be climbing all over me. Isn’t that enough of a reason to need therapy? I can’t even get a hug from my daughter without panicking. That’s pathetic. And as the girls have been getting older, it’s been getting worse instead of better.Bec clung onto my hand like a limpet and leaned against my leg. I could tolerate.
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